I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
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If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.