Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
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Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch