Midwest trash talk
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son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Cndnsd Mlk
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET