me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
You Might Also Like
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Good morning
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality