Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
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THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
my dad has had enough
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Girl, same.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry