Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.