I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
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Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
house sitting!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: