I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
We all have our pet causes.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
San Francisco has too many rules
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.