i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
your honor my client chooses dare
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
only 11 steps left
This is sending me to another galaxy
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger