Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
You Might Also Like
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My typo game is string.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year