HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
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*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”