I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Bed should get ready for ME
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My whole life was a lie.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.