If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
A choir of Spring onions
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.