The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more