Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
only 11 steps left
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.