Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
You Might Also Like
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
and this one
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…