old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
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*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Not😆🤣
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.