telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem