Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?