They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
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The glockness monster
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine