Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
You Might Also Like
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”