if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
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that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no