*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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decorating my apartment
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Breaking news:
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Otters see a butterfly.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.