She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
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*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I ate everything, including the H.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.