Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour