Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Care for your back
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”