Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
“you recording!?”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*