Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.