send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
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Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Where鈥檚 Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can鈥檛 be found neither
Your house doesn鈥檛 have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
when revenge coincides with naptime
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot鈥 don鈥檛 even work there.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Welcome to parenting: You didn鈥檛 eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 馃檹馃従
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?