Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
You Might Also Like
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*