My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
You Might Also Like
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
$4 #usedbooks
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
time for some seasonal decor
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.