me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on