Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
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Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
pep talk
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.