I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
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Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede