GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
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My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.