Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.