*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
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My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
WTF IS THAT!
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.