In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler