The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.