Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter