I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.


As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself


Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body


The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.


A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.


me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?


Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no


MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.


I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.


But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.