@OMGSoOverIt
@weinerdog4life Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
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@weinerdog4life 
@basic_afbitch As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
@meganamram Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
@MamaFizzles The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
@NicCageMatch A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
@SCbchbum me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
@lincnotfound Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
@KentWGraham MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
@mactx85 I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
@LuvPug But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.