I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Rooting for the overdog
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈