I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name