There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am