teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
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[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
a god among men
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Who did it better?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.