Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
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John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.