Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
You Might Also Like
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
😂😂😂
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.