Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
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Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Midwest trash talk
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor