Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
They’re on their honeymoon
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.