Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I unironically love this joke.
Print is alive and well!!!
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Just so funny
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”