Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
You Might Also Like
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.