Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
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I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party